


good men do bad things

by cowboytime (thegoatz)



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Guilt, M/M, dutch feels gulity about killing heidi, dutch has adhd, dutch opens up about his feelings, purely for self projection purposes, this was based on that one dutch and hosea interaction at the clemens point camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegoatz/pseuds/cowboytime
Summary: There's something up with Dutch. He's not himself. And Hosea won't stop until he finds out what's wrong.
Relationships: Hosea Matthews & Dutch van der Linde, Hosea Matthews/Dutch van der Linde
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	good men do bad things

**Author's Note:**

> yes i have a 13k fic that needs finishing. yes I put it aside to write this, what of it.

"Sad thing is," Hosea tells him, "good people do bad things."

"Like us?" Dutch asks, his eyes searching Hosea's face for some kind of answer that he wouldn't get verbally.

"Exactly... just like us. People fight to survive and in doing so they do bad things, such is the world."

Dutch's eyes fall to Hosea's fingers tapping on the newspaper that sits beneath his hand, pondering in thought for just a second. His eyes make their way up to Hosea's face once more, "why is it like that?"

An honest question.

"I have always wondered," Dutch continues, his head tilting slightly as he asks, "why ain't we better?"

His voice is quiet, _soft_ , almost akin lost child unaware of where to go, who to follow, what to believe, asking Hosea as if he were his guiding light, and Dutch supposes, that at this point, he _is_. His voice was so different from how he usually speaks, not with that characteristically loud boom that his voice usually carries. No, this time it's gentle. _Genuine_. And Dutch knows that he'll listen to whatever Hosea tells him because the older man has never led him astray so far.

He only talks like that to Hosea. He's the only one Dutch trusts enough to let his guard down in front of.

"Now _that_ ," Hosea starts, staring right back into Dutch's eyes, brown on brown, they're gentle and honest, and Dutch finds himself leaning forward ever so slightly to hear what he says, his mouth falling open as it does when he listens intently, "that I don't know."

Dutch leans back in his chair, his brow furrowed as he mulls over what Hosea said. He can faintly hear the crickets chirping in the distance, and birds tweeting in the trees, other than that it's so very quiet.

"Me neither," Dutch says, with a shake of his head, his voice just as low as before, "me neither."

They both sit in silence after that, one that sits on the fine line between comfortable and uncomfortable, Dutch thinking over his words as Hosea goes back to reading the newspaper.

"Do you think," Dutch starts, eyes fixated onto his name which he sees on the back of the newspaper in Hosea's hands, "do you think _we're_ changing?"

Hosea lets his hands drop, placing the newspaper in his lap as he tries to think of a response. He doesn't think he's ever heard Dutch's voice go like this, doesn't think he's ever seen the lost look in his eyes ever before either. Hosea knows he has to tread carefully.

"Or are we the only ones staying the same while the world changes around us?"

Dutch sounds insecure, almost. _Nervous_ to be precise. And Hosea can't miss how Dutch's fingers are absentmindedly picking away at the frayed end of the table they're sat at, while he shifts slightly in his seat.

"I think we're all changing," Hosea starts, keeping an eye on the expression on Dutch's face. He wants Dutch to open up and to do that he needs to tell Dutch what he wants to hear because otherwise Dutch will close up and go back to wearing that cold mask that's being used more and more recently. Hosea could tell that there's something that Dutch wants to ask; could tell from the moment Dutch sat down with that unnerved look on his face.

The look in Dutch's eyes tell him that he wants elaboration, "I think... I think the world is changing, and to survive we- we're changing with it. I'd call it more adapting, it's human nature, nothing to worry about."

Something changes in Dutch's eyes after that, he seems more relaxed. His shoulders are ever so slightly less tense than they were before, but Hosea could still tell that there's something still up with him. His brows are still furrowed as he now turns his attention to staring fixedly on the grains of the table, his fingers still picking away at the edges of it. Hosea stays silent once more, knowing that he just has to wait before Dutch asks what he wants to know.

Dutch has never been good at asking what he wants, probably out of fear of denial, or maybe it was something other than that Hosea didn't quite know, or understand. Arthur was just the same, and well, at least Hosea knows where he got _that_ from. Hosea liked to believe that he was good at helping Dutch when he got like this, but he'd never seen him quite so detached.

It takes a few more seconds of silence before Dutch is opening his mouth to say something, almost instantly closing it again. Hosea doesn't say anything, pretends to be reading his newspaper once again, even though he's not paying attention to any of the words, waiting patiently for what Dutch has to say.

It takes about a minute after that before Hosea hears Dutch's voice, perhaps even more nervous than ever before, "do you think _I'm_ changing?"

 _Ah_ , so there it is. That's what Dutch wanted to know.

Hosea puts his newspaper down slowly, discarding it to the side on the table, knowing that he probably won't be needing it for a while. Dutch is failing to meet Hosea's eyes, and that itself is not a good sign. Hosea has to be more careful than he thought.

"You're not changing any more than we are."

Dutch's eyes make their way down to his hands, but he doesn't open up like Hosea expected him to. He guesses he'll have to push Dutch slightly to get the answer he wants.

"Do you think you're changing?"

Dutch looks up at him. A good start. He opens his mouth to respond, but then swiftly shuts it again, and Hosea never thought he'd see Dutch this tongue-tied. Instead, he nods his head.

"How so?" Hosea asks his voice gentle, pressing but reassuring at the same time in a way that only Hosea could do. He assumes that Dutch just wants to let all his frustrations out, but by now Dutch would have usually been halfway through a long rant about whatever was on his mind. He's never seen Dutch this distant, or this reluctant to open up before.

"I- I was speaking with Micah and-" Dutch pauses when he hears Hosea's _sharp_ inhale at Micah's name.

Dutch's eyes flick cautiously over Hosea's face, but Hosea stays silent, not wanting to ruin everything now just as Dutch was starting to open up.

"And I just realised how differently I see things now. Micah keeps telling me that everyone else has changed, that- that I'm the only one who's staying the same but I just... I don't know if I believe him."

"Who do you think you're changing into?"

Hosea sees something flicker in Dutch's eyes. He can't tell if it's fear, worry, anger or a mix of all three.

"Someone that I don't like."

Hosea stays silent at first, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he mulls over Dutch's words.

"What're you thinking?" Dutch whispers, that almost child-like fear back in his voice.

 _I'm thinking you need some sleep, Dutch_ , Hosea thinks, but doesn't say, knowing that it'll do more harm than good. 

Hosea opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off by a voice to their left.

"Dutch!" Micah calls, and Hosea only _just_ hides how his hands curl into fists, "Dutch come here, I've got some _good_ info about a bank we could hit. Looks _real_ promising."

Almost instantly, Dutch is closing off again, that cold, hard, mask back on again, and Hosea curses Micah to hell and back. Dutch stands up, and starts to walk over to where Micah was but is stopped by Hosea's hand scrambling up to grab his wrist, brown eyes peering up at him, "can't it wait?"

Dutch looks hesitant for a moment, and for a split second Hosea thinks that Dutch will stay, but the younger man shakes his head, and Hosea lets go of Dutch's wrist, knowing that if he tried to force it then he will close off even more, "we'll talk later," Hosea says, knowing that Dutch probably wouldn't open up like that again for a long while. 

That fucking _Micah Bell_. Hosea swears he'll damn them all.

Dutch leaves Hosea alone after that, Hosea staring at Dutch's back as he makes his way over to Micah, a heavy feeling to his heart. Hosea can't think about anything other than Dutch's words. In all his years of knowing Dutch, he'd never seen the man look so lost before, and he wonders just how long he'd been keeping it bottled up for.

Hosea makes a promise to himself that no matter if it's the last thing he'll do, he'll get Dutch to open up once and for all, even _with_ Micah around.

  
It's late when Hosea goes over to talk to Dutch. Nearly everyone in camp is asleep, but Hosea knows that Dutch is awake; Dutch always did have a bad habit of staying up until morning, only then getting a few hours sleep. He calls out Dutch's name as he waits outside his tent. Hosea figured if he walked in unannounced it might put Dutch on edge, and if he was on edge then he'd never get him to open up. It's a little less than a minute before Dutch is calling him in. He doesn't even look over his shoulder as Hosea walks in the tent, staring down at his plans, and Hosea's instantly filled with dread.

When Dutch gets like this: his mind all wrapped up in his plans then it's almost impossible to get through to him. Dutch could spend hours upon hours thinking of ideas to get them out of the mess that they were stuck in. He'd barely eat, let alone sleep, not because he didn't want to but just because he was so caught up in his work that he forgot to.

"Dutch?" Hosea says, knowing that if he wants Dutch to listen then he needs to have his attention, otherwise it's just as good as talking to a brick wall.

"Yes, Hosea?" Dutch responds, not looking up from his plans.

"We were going to finish that conversation that we were having before Mr Bell interrupted us if I recall."

Dutch lets out a chuckle, but Hosea doesn't miss just how hard he's gripping the side of the crate where all his papers are strewn haphazardly over. Dutch is nervous, and whilst he could hide it better than anyone in camp he could never fool Hosea.

"Ah yes, where did we leave off?"

Hosea walks over to where Dutch is leaning over his plans. He places a gentle hand on Dutch's arm, smiling when Dutch finally looks over at him, "why don't we sit down, it'll be easier."

Dutch swallows thickly, his eyes flicking over to his work before making their way back up to Hosea's face. He nods his head, and Hosea's smile only gets wider. Now that he has Dutch's attention, all he has to do now is be careful with his words. Hosea knew that Dutch was tired, could tell by the bags under his eyes and how he struggled to keep his eyes open. That wasn't good. When he was tired his defences were down and was quick to take criticisms to heart. But Hosea supposes that this is easier then the times when he would get so transfixed on his plans, getting so excited with every idea that came to his mind, so much so that if you failed to match his excitement then, god, the saddened look he would give you would hurt more than a bullet.

"You were telling me how you thought you'd changed?" Hosea says, hoping that the straightforward approach would work best.

Instantly the mood changes and Hosea wishes he had been a little more careful in what he said. Dutch scratches the back of his neck, failing to meet Hosea's eyes, a slight blush on his cheeks that he only got when he was embarrassed.

" _Actually_ ," Dutch starts and Hosea feels his heart drop, "it- it's nothing, don't worry about it."

"Dutch," Hosea says, his voice as soft as he could make it. When Dutch fails to meet his eyes, Hosea reaches over and takes Dutch's hand in his, "Dutch you can speak to me, you can say whatever you want, I'm here to listen."

Hosea sees Dutch swallow nervously, finally turning his attention towards Hosea, "I- I..."

Hosea waits, silently urging Dutch on. 

"I'm _scared_ , Hosea."

Hosea's mouth falls open ever so slightly, he certainly hadn't been expecting that. He doesn't know what it was, whether it was his expression, or how his grip on Dutch's hand faltered slightly, or even if it was his lack of words, Hosea had fucked up, and boy did he know it. Dutch's eyes instantly turned away from him, clearly even more embarrassed, and he removes his hand from Hosea's grip, standing up from his place sat next to Hosea and immediately hunching over his plans once more.

Hosea follows, putting a gentle hand on Dutch's back but removing instantly when he feels Dutch tense under his touch.

"Dutch-"

"It's fine, Hosea," Dutch interrupts, his voice cold, but Hosea could hear past that. He could hear the hurt, and the embarrassment, and the nervousness in his voice, and he curses himself for allowing this to happen, "just... get some sleep."

Hosea knows better than to push and looks down. He places his hand on top of Dutch's once more, taking a slight bit of joy when Dutch doesn't remove it.

"Get some sleep too, Dutch. You've done so much for us lately, take a rest."

Hosea hears Dutch's deep breath, smiling when Dutch nods his head, "I will, Hosea."

At least Hosea didn't mess up completely. He pats Dutch's hand gently, before turning and starting to leave.

He's stopped by Dutch's voice, "could we-" Dutch pauses mid-sentence, trying to find the right words to say, "-could we maybe get out of camp? Just the two of us, I think I just need some time with you alone."

Dutch still hasn't turned around, and Hosea supposes it's more because he couldn't bear to look him in the eye if Hosea rejected him. As if Hosea would ever do that in the first place.

"Of course, Dutch. I'll come back in the morning, just make sure you get some sleep."

Dutch leans up from his position hunched over his work, turning his head around to look at Hosea, "I will, Hosea."

Hosea gives him a gentle smile and tries to ignore how the much the relieved look in Dutch's eye sends waves of guilt through him. He promised that he'd get Dutch to open up, and Hosea never breaks a promise. Hosea's almost certain that tomorrow he'll finally get it to happen.

  
The next morning comes faster than he thought it would, only just managing to get a few hours of sleep, as restless as it was. He makes sure the horses are ready to go, and that neither of the men are needed around camp before he heads over to Dutch's tent. He calls out to him, once more, and Dutch's reply is almost instant. Dutch walks out to join Hosea, and he looks even worse than he did yesterday.

His hair is messily smoothed back, not nearly as neat as it usually was, and Hosea can see the faintness of his stubble growing back. The bags under his eyes still haven't left, and Hosea guesses Dutch got even less sleep than he did.

"You ready to go?" Dutch asks, and Hosea nods his head, motioning for Dutch to lead the way, which he does with a small smile.

"Is there any place you have in mind for us to go?" Hosea asks as they mount their horses.

Dutch shakes his head, "not really, just wanted to get some air away from camp for a bit."

"There's a place by the river not too far from here, that could be a nice place to take a break."

"Lead the way, Mr Matthews."

The ride to the place Hosea has in mind isn't a long one, but it's one filled with silence. Hosea keeps wondering if he should say something, anything, but he thinks against it every time. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he just doesn't know what to say. It seems like all his attempts over the past day have ended up making Dutch even more shut off than before, and Hosea doesn't want to risk making Dutch close up entirely.

The journey is filled with nothing but the trotting of hooves, and Dutch quietly praising the Count ever so often under his breath, only just loud enough for Hosea to hear. That brings a small smile to Hosea's face: Dutch always did love his horse.

They reach the spot soon enough, too fast for Hosea to think of a good way to start off their conversation. It's a beautiful place, with a large tree overlooking the river that ran through. There were enough bushes and trees around so that they wouldn't be easy to spot in case any trouble came snooping around. Hosea doubted that they'd be disturbed, and the place was calming enough, with the birds tweeting in the trees, and the river running quietly, that it would be hard for Dutch to be put on edge.

The air is slightly awkward as they dismount, and Hosea is mentally cursing himself for not thinking of what he was going to say beforehand.

"This is a fine place you picked," Dutch says, breaking the silence, as he stands, hands on his belt, staring out into the river.

"Stumbled across it whilst I was out searching for leads. It's secluded enough that we won't get many people getting too close."

Dutch looks over to him, when Hosea goes to stand next to him by the riverside, and smiles at him, "smart man."

Hosea lets out a small chuckle, and pats him gently on the shoulder, "are you ready to talk now?"

Dutch's smile falters a bit, and he turns his head away from Hosea. Hosea feels Dutch's shoulders raise with a deep breath before falling again. Dutch turns his head back to Hosea, and says with a nod of his head, "I think so."

"Why don't we sit down?" Hosea says, gesturing to the tree behind them.

Hosea tries to ignore how his bones creak as he sits, and _god when did he get so old?_ He leans against the tree, the rough bark pushing against his back. Dutch is silent when he sits, knees drawn up to his chest, and picking apart a fallen leaf that he found on the ground. Dutch never sits like that: so closed off.

"Hosea?" Dutch asks after he finishes ripping apart the leaf and throwing the pieces to the ground.

"Yes, Dutch?"

"I keep-" Dutch pauses, and looks up at Hosea for a brief second before tearing his eyes away and staring at the river, "- I keep thinking about... about _Heidi_."

Hosea's brows furrow in confusion, "the woman you shot in Blackwater?"

Dutch swallows thickly and nods his head.

"Dutch, the world has probably forgotten about her by now."

"I haven't."

"Is this why you were worried that you'd changed? Because you killed her?"

Dutch's eyes go down to his hands, and Hosea sees how Dutch's nails are digging into the palms of his hands.

"Yeah," Dutch says, internally wincing when his voice cracks.

"I'm worried," Dutch continues, "that I'd do something like that again, that one day I'd just lose control once more and get us stuck in even deeper shit. And that if I did that then everyone would lose faith in me. This family is all I have, Hosea. I- if they stopped believing in me, I don't know what I'd do."

Hosea places a comforting hand on the back of Dutch's neck. He finally opened up.

"Dutch, we ain't gonna lose faith in you. You made a mistake, we ain't gonna hold that over your head."

"It was more than a mistake, Hosea."

Hosea frowns, "well... _yes_ , Dutch it was more than a mistake, but like I said before, sometimes good people do bad things. You did that to help us survive. Our family is more important than anything, and you helped us get through, you helped us live. We ain't gonna lose faith in you, Dutch."

"I suppose you're right."

"I _am_ right, Dutch."

"But I just... I can't stop thinking that Heidi had a family, probably a mother and a father, maybe siblings. I- I took her away from them. _God_ , Hosea if someone killed _you_ , o- or _Arthur_ , or _anyone_ at camp, I wouldn't stop until I made them pay. Heidi's family probably spend their days wishing I were dead."

Hosea stays silent.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm no better than the men we fight."

"Dutch-"

"You say that good people do bad things, Hosea, but what if I'm- _I'm_ not a good person."

"Dutch," Hosea says, his voice firm. Dutch exhales a shaky breath and turns his attention to Hosea, "think of all the people you've helped, all those that would be dead if it weren't for you. Everyone in camp, they believe in you, they have faith in you, they know that you're a good person, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined you."

Dutch looks down, "you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Dutch nods his head, a small smile making its way to his face, "okay, I believe you."

Hosea squeezes the back of Dutch's neck reassuringly, and Dutch turns to look at him, "thank you, Hosea."

Hosea just gives him a small smile. The two sit there silently for a moment before Dutch yawns quietly.

"You alright?" 

"I'm tired," Dutch says with a small laugh, "couldn't sleep much last night."

Hosea frowns slightly, rubbing Dutch's back slowly, "come here."

Dutch gives him a confused look before Hosea is placing a hand on Dutch's shoulder and bringing him closer. Dutch lets himself be led as Hosea gently pulls him down so that his head is resting in Hosea's lap. They rarely got time together away from camp, and Hosea was going to make the most of it.

"Well, ain't this romantic?" Dutch says with a smirk.

Hosea smiles as he rolls his eyes, "shut up and get some sleep. We got all day."

Dutch makes a noise of agreement from the back of his throat as his eyes fall shut. Hosea's fingers make their way to Dutch's hair, tangling themselves in his long strands, and Dutch hums contentedly. 

_Maybe_ , with Hosea's help, Dutch might just get them out of this mess, and then, they'll get their happy ending.


End file.
